Dancing With Myself

“I don’t like to be labeled as lonely just because I am alone.” - Delta Burke

The whole purpose in starting my dating project, and subsequently this blog, was to get a date. In that case, my project has been a success. I have been on several dates in the past two months - more than I have been on in years! I have had invitations for many more dates - more than I could possibly go on. I get go on dates when it is convenient for ME, and I get to choose the things that I want to do. I meet new men almost daily through the dating website that I use.

By and large, this type of dating has worked out best for me. With my hectic schedule of work, school, and gym, it would be difficult, to say the least, to have any kind of a relationship with one person. A relationship requires a certain amount of sacrifice of yourself and your personal time; things that I don't have available to give right now. But dating in the manner that I am also requires a certain amount of sacrifice, and sometimes this lifestyle leaves me wanting things that I don't have.

As my forty-mumble birthday draws near I find myself thinking more and more about the things that I am giving up with my don't-want-to-get-involved dating life. I know that once again MY-day is going to go by without recognition. I know that I will not be getting a wonderful surprise from someone special. That's really hard for me because I am like a kid when it comes to birthdays and holidays... I want presents! And I am always disappointed when I don't get any. More than the presents, however - much more than the presents - there are those amazing non material things that make being in a relationship so wonderful that I miss.

I miss...

...long, deep kisses. The kind that make you weak in the knees. The kind that take your breath away. The kind that last forever and cause you to completely forget the world around you.

...the feel of someone next to me in the night. A leg over mine, or a hand resting casually on my hip. Even more than that, an arm reaching out for me to draw me in close and hold me tight while I sleep.

...dancing. Not the kind of dancing you might do in a club, but rather that slow, swaying dance that happens spontaneously to music that can, or cannot, be heard.

...words of appreciation and words of passion: Thank you. You’re beautiful. What would I do without you? I need you. I want you. I have to have you.

...lustful looks. That spark in his eye that says he can’t wait to get me alone. The one where, without a word, I know he’s undressing me. The one that tells me that he wants me more than anyone or anything else in the world, and would do anything to have me.

...time. Time to talk; time to touch; time to pleasure each other for as long as it takes to satisfy us both; time to just be with each other.

...watching his face light up when I walk into the room. Knowing that he is happy to see me, and that my smile makes his day that much better.

...hugs. The full body pressed together kind. The kind that, for just a minute, puts everything thing else on hold while you rest your head on his chest and breathe in his smell. The kind that makes you feel safe and loved no matter what else is happening. I miss these more than anything else.

I don’t need, flowers, or candy, or material things (except on birthdays and holidays, of course). One heartfelt, passionate kiss would make me the happiest woman in the world. I’m exceptionally easy to please. Sometimes I wish someone would appreciate that about me and give me what I really want. 

But I'm also a realist! I know that I don't have the time to give to someone else right now, and taking without giving would be selfish and unfair. Given the options, I will be content with knowing that I am living my life in a way that I have chosen. Being a strong, independent woman comes with its sacrifices, as do all things in life. For me... for now... I'm certain that the sacrifices are worth what I am getting in return. I'm equally as certain that someday I will happily give up my single life for all the things that I miss sharing with that one most extraordinary man.

Until then, I have nothing to lose and nothing to prove!

Is This Mike On?

"I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...' "

— Mike Binder, Comedian

The New Parent's Guide lists David as the number one most popular name for boy's in the 1960's. Michael was the second most popular, and John made the list at number three. http://www.thenewparentsguide.com/most-popular-baby-names-1960.htm

With that many David's running around in my dating age range, it seems inevitable that I would have gone out with one at some point. I have. In fact, I have either dated or been on a date with a total of three David's in my lifetime. The first was in my early teens, and the last was one of my recent dating website "finds". I have never been out with a John. (I could make a hooker joke here, but I think I'll refrain. This time.) Therefore, based on my David and John numbers, it would seem logical that I would have in some way been involved with one or two Mike's along the way. Logical, yes, but definitely not the case! For some reason I seem to attract men named Mike like I'm wearing some sort of bizarre fly paper. I can readily account for a dozen different Mike's that I have dated, married, or gone out with since I first became of aware of boys as anything more than grubby little creatures who dared each other to eat worms.

There were a total of five Mike's between grades 8 and 11.  Both of my husbands were Mike's. And then there were the four other Mike's in between marriages. (Are you singing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am" yet?) I even named my first son Michael - but he's not included on my score card!

I thought I had finally broken the Mike curse after I split from my last husband, Mike. Apparenty it had more to do with the fact that I wasn't going out with anyone at all than me finding a 12-step program for my weird addiction. (Hi. My name's Valerie, and I'm a Mike-aholic.)

Then about a year ago Mike #12 contacted me via the internet. He was someone that I had known for a number of years, but hadn't seen in even more. Mike seemed interested in more than renewing an old friendship and, despite my initial reservations, I was soon drawn in by his charm and began to look forward to his phone calls and emails. After several months of long distance communications, I agreed to drive out of town to see him. I  confided to a cousin that I had been talking with a guy, she casually asked what his name was. When I rather sheepishly confessed that it was Mike, her immediate response was, "Oh gawd, nooooo! Not another one!" When my roommate found out that I was planning a weekend with a Mike, The Scrinch immediately nicknamed the poor guy "Next Mike Not". In spite of everyone's misgivings, I went to see Next Mike Not. I had a great time. I came home feeling good about our visit together, and was happy about the direction that this seemed to be going. He never called back.

Fast forward to today...

I have accepted an invitation for a date with yet another Mike. This will be Mike #13. Unlucky? Perhaps, but I don't see where things can go any worse with this Mike than they have with any of the other one's. And he does go by Michael, so maybe that will change things up a bit. Just to be on the safe side, though, I have taken the precaution of dubbing him "Another Mike Not". If nothing else, I get to beat The Scrinch to the punch.

In The Land of Millionares and Bums

It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end. 

- Ursula K. Leguin

I started this blog post poolside in Hilton Head where I spent a luxurious, long weekend. (It's great having rich, generous friends!) I had planned to post it Sunday while I was there but, thanks in part to an endless supply of pomegranate martinis, that never happened. So, I've changed everything to reflect past tense and am posting it now...

When I received the invitation to spend a few days at an absolutely amazing, almost beachfront house (it even had it's own elevator) I started making plans. One of the many good things I learned from my ex was to "hope for the best; plan for the worst". And that's exactly what I did!

Plan A was the easy one. It was simply to have a great time. (I did!) But in typical female fashion, I was not content to just have my cake - I want to eat the whole damn thing AND not gain a pound in the process! Thus the catalyst for the next three plans.

Plan B included inviting a male friend to join me for a couple of days of adult fun. Unfortunately (for him), he was unable to make it. He is a very busy person though so, frankly, I would have been more surprised if he had been able to come. I was, however, a bit disappointed in him that he waited until two days before we were scheduled to be there to let me know that he wouldn't be joining me. His questionable explanation left me wondering if he had found out about my blog, and didn't want to be next week's topic of discussion. (He must have missed the part where I said that my postings were not going to be a kiss-and-tell.) Good thing I had already made backup plans!

Plan C was also a bust. I intended to get together with a man whom I had met on the dating website, who lives near Hilton Head, for drinks. He and I had exchanged several emails that included the obligatory "if you're ever in the area...". Since I was going to be in the area, I thought I would use the occasion to look him up. However, much to my dismay, I discovered that I had deleted all of his emails and couldn't find his user profile. So much for that idea.

Plan D - a.k.a. My Last Resort. When I first went to my boss to request time off from work he got very concerned that I had met a rich man, and would soon be quitting work to live a much improved lifestyle. After Danny realized that was not the case (heavy sigh), he suggested that I use the opportunity to go man hunting in what he called "the land of millionaires and bums". My host and his girlfriend, upon learning about my dating project, offered to help me out with this one. The strategy called for a visit to a local watering hole called Callahan's to watch football and check out the local manscape while Linda and Pat played "wing man" and "pimp". Alas, that plan fell through, too. (Did I mention the pomegranate martinis?)

I am now back in Charleston - relaxed, but empty handed. To be honest, I really don't care that I didn't meet any men while on vacation. I thoroughly enjoyed lounging in and by the pool, walking on the beach, hitting the steam room and jacuzzi, going shopping, and eating way too much delicious food. I may have been flying solo, but I had a wonderful time catching up with family that I don't get to see often enough, and I made a terrific new friend! And when you get right down to it, isn't that what life is really about?

If I Were You, I'd Have Sex With Me

Men often find it difficult to look a woman in the eyes.

This is because women's eyes are not located in their chests. - Anonymous

I have to confess... online dating is scary.

Years ago, when people met in the traditional face-to-face way, it was easier to discern the "creep factor" of the man who was asking you out. We used things like body language, personal appearance, and presentation to help us decide if this was someone we wanted to be alone with; even then we didn't always get it right. Meeting men online can be challenging! It doesn't allow the luxury of facial expressions or inflection to help clue you in on the kind of person you're talking to. Maybe it's due in part to the anonymity of the internet, or maybe it's just the kind of people who use online dating sites, but the ratio of nice guys to the questionable-at-best seems to be weighted heavily towards the crass. 

So how do you tell the difference between a toad and a potential prince? Here is a list of the top ten most smarmy "pickup" emails I've received:

1. "you need to be at my house"
2. "My mother warned me about good girls. Are you a good girl or a bad girl?"
3. "wow..you look so delicious....hey babydoll"
4. "Has anyone claimed you yet? Can I?"
5. "My phone hadnt rang all day call me so I can see if its working"
6. "Would I be pushing the envelope if I admitted to a little lust for you?"
7. "are you wearing a short skirt today?"
8. "if you would make me your slave -i will do your laundry and kneel and please you"
9. "hello very beautiful lady to be honest your a delicous looking lady ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so delicious ..."
10. "if we ever date you wear the pair that lQQk like the ho shoes the most.....;) that's cool of you !!"

The emails from nice guys are not boastful or littered with overtly suggestive pickup lines, and they don't leave you feeling like you need a shower. But in the event that a nice guy feels the need to use a pickup line as an opener, may I suggest one of the following:

1. I may short, but I'm much taller when I stand on my wallet.
2. I like to shop.
3. I don't ordinarily meet intelligent and beautiful women, but you're an exception.
4. You know, you're right!

I ask you, what woman can resist a man who recognizes that she is right?

Men Are From Mars.... and Venus?

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Kathern Hepburn

When did men become so whiny and needy? And when did they all start wanting long-term relationships? I apparently have been living with the misguided notion that most men did not want any kind of relationship involving commitment. The middle-aged men I usually meet have either (a) gotten burnt in their marriage and/or divorce and are very leery of relationships, or (b) are so thrilled to be free of the old ball and chain that they won't even consider the possibility of settling down with one person again. Most single middle-aged women that I know at least secretly dream of the stability of that special someone in their life. So, when I signed up for an  online dating site, I thought that I would be a breath of fresh air - a woman who DOESN'T want a relationship! After 7 years of being alone I wasn't ready to jump right into the "C" word - commitment. I just wanted to get out, meet some people, and see what I've been missing. Apparently what I've been missing is that middle-aged men have taken "getting in touch with your feminine side" to a whole new level.

My first clue that something was amiss should have been when I started receiving email from men asking me if I would consider having a long-term relationship with them. Should have been...but wasn't! I didn't realize that dating rules had reversed gender until I met Dave7359.

Dave7359 is a 51 year-old, retired naval officer with a master's degree. He is your average looking, partially balding, slightly paunchy, middle-aged man. We had been exchanging email for most of a week when he invited me to attend a "Train" concert. He confessed that he had been going to take someone else but, for whatever reason, that person wasn't going now. I didn't care - he had primo seats! We met two nights later at the scheduled time and place, grabbed a couple of beers, and went to find our seats. We chatted easily and got to know each other as we waited for the show to start. He gave me bitter accounts of past failed relationships, recounting that first this one used him and then that one hadn't really loved him. And then he dropped the bombshell - he told me that he wanted to spend many more nights like this with me. (WHOA, Dude!!! I've only known you an hour!) I quickly put him straight...or at least I thought I had... until the texts and email started...

The first text arrived before I even got home from the concert. And then another first thing the next morning - "...you're even prettier than your pictures." When Dave7369 heard not heard from me in less than 24 hours of our initial meeting, he sent me a text assuming that I did not "sense potential" and wasn't interested in him. The next day was more of the same - "Be honest. I can easily accept you not being interested." - followed shortly by, "I'd just like to hear from you so that I know you're alright." OMG! Are you kidding me?!?! What woman hasn't used that one at some point? Let me translate for you - "I wish you would call me because if I can get you on the phone there's still a chance I can convince you that I'm the one."

I wish I could say that this was an isolated case, but then what would I write about?

My second date, The_Ice_King, didn't have us living happily after by the end of dinner, but he did grill me endlessly about my contacts from the dating website: Had I been on many dates?; Had very many men contacted me?; Did I see any of them as having "potential"?; etc. After he had exhausted every possible question from that list, he moved on to questions specific to him: Did I like him?; Was I disappointed in the way he looked?; Did he look like his picture?; Was he too old for me?; Did he have what I was looking for in a boyfriend?; Was I only go out with him because he had a Corvair? (Okay, I do have to admit that the really cool car did sway me somewhat; but if he wasn't trying to use it to his advantage, why did he include it in his profile?). When I reminded him that I was not currently interested in finding a boyfriend per se, he looked at me as if I had two heads and was speaking Swahili.

I was beginning to have flashbacks of similar past conversations in which I was the one on the other side of the table, and I was starting to feel the same uncomfortable way those guys had looked then! It must have been obvious what I was thinking (damn my tell-tale face) because when I mumbled something about the bathroom, he asked if I was going to slip out the backdoor. As appealing as that option seemed, I'm basically a nice person and couldn't bring myself to intentionally do something that rude. I returned to the table and managed to steer the rest of the conversation away from anything even remotely connected to relationships. (So, how 'bout them Braves? hehe)

I was actually in the middle of writing this post when I had a conversation with a male friend in which he mentioned that he missed having a committed relationship. We had a brief discussion about middle-aged dating, and the differences in men and woman at this age. In the end I promised him that I would not be too harsh on men in this blog. So, instead of making any snide comments about men losing their balls in the divorce and turning into emotional girly-men, I will offer my albeit somewhat biased observations on men's claims to wanting a commitment... Some men really do want a relationship, and are emotionally ready for everything that entails. Some men are lying to women because they think it will get them laid. But most of the men are lying to themselves. They think that a girlfriend will bring meaning to their lives, make them happy, and make them feel important again - especially if she's younger and attractive. The truth is these men need to spend a little time finding their own happiness before they are going to be ready to give any woman the commitment that she deserves. I truly hope they find peace in their lives.

In the meantime, I have two dates lined up for this weekend; one on Friday with Bugsy480, and the second on Saturday with newbeginning2010. Both dates have stated in their online profiles that they, too, are looking for long-term relationships. I think if I decide to start considering  a long-term relationship, I'm going to take a closer look at Patrick1965 - he wants to have my baby!

Plenty of Fish

“If you want to catch a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel” - Ann Landers

I've always heard that "there's plenty of fish in the sea." This sage advice is usually meant to console someone who is having romance problems. After 7 years of being single I was inclined to disagree - the ponds I had been fishing in were either dismally empty, or full of fish who had already been tagged. So when I decided to cast my line into the online ocean by joining a dating website, I had no idea what to expect. Was I using the right lure? Would I get any bites? What if they were all dogfish? I decided that no matter what happened, I would be open-minded. And patient. After all, the most important part of fishing is just being patient and waiting for the fish to bite. My resolve of patience lasted for all of about 45 minutes before I had to log on and check my nets. To my surprise I already had 7 nibbles - maybe this thing had potential after all! Within one week I had had bites from nearly 80 different fish. I was getting up to 40 emails a day. Although I diligently tried to respond to each of them, it was becoming difficult to keep up. I needed to start throwing some of them back!

A lot of them were easy to cut loose - starting with the three deep sea lizardfish who admitted to being married. They were all looking for some version of a "discreet friendship" without commitment. Call it what you want, but where I come from if it walks like a cheater and talks like a cheater.... The next ones to go were the tadpoles; there were eight of them in all ranging in age from 21 to 27. The three motley over 60-years-old fish also went back. Thirteen more got the axe because they were swimming in waters outside of their natural habitat. (Seriously, San Francisco? You mean to tell me this man can't meet a woman on the west coast?) I did keep four of the out-of-town fish though. My decision keep or delete wasn't based solely on them not being a local catch, but it did way heavily in the process. Phew, only 66 left to go!

And then the daddy of all mudpuppies swallowed my hook - de_slayer73! This mutation a nature crawled out from under a rock looking for a relationship. de_slayer73 was of self-described average looks and body type (average if you're used to catching lumpfish!) lives with his disabled mother, doesn't have a job, and doesn't have any intention of getting a job in the near future because... P.S. He doesn't have a car! (Or as he so equivalently put it, is "transportationally hindered.") The waterdog was quite forthcoming in his profile. He shared that his favorite pastime is "just hanging around" and watching sports on TV "mainly football... or nascar..." His idea of a first date is "open for discussion", but felt the need to share that his past first dates "...have gone from just meeting and talking to as far as sexual intercourse." And if all of that weren't enough, de_slayer73 thought it would be a good idea to include personal contact information - just in case some lucky lady wanted to reel him in. His email address? the_ladson_stalker1@*****.com. I almost threw in the hook, line, and sinker deleting the nasty amphibian!!! 

Several slimy eels have surfaced, too, but they were easily recognized and tossed back. The first was a fireman in search of a dominatrix. The second, 1penncobra, revealed that his fantasy was "USING YER BELLY BUTTON AS A SHOT GLASS". Now there may be the occasion when I would actually find this rather erotic, but having it shouted at me...in redneck...uhm, NOT!  The third bottom-dweller wanted to know if I would wear "really high stileto high heels when we hookup". And number four, an Asian Swamp Eel, was in the States on a temporary work Visa, and looking for a wife so that he could stay. Gone, Gone, Gone and GONE!

A few sharks came around, but quickly left in search of chum when I wouldn't give them my phone number. Three Jesus-fish were disappointed when I redirected them to the portion of my profile that states that that I am more of a Darwinist, but then they quietly swam away. A couple of darting little brim decided that I must not want to talk to them because I hadn't answered any of the half dozen emails that they had sent me in the past 2 hours - and sent me another email to tell me so. I sent them one short email in return - Good Bye!   

It hasn't been two weeks yet since I decided to try my hand at online fishing, and already some of my friends are asking if I think I'll land that trophy fish worthy of taking home and mounting. (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter - it's a taxidermy term.) I keep reminding them that for now I'm on a catch and release program. And for the next several weeks the fishing forecast looks good!

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Blog For an Important Announcement

Your regularly scheduled blog will not be seen tonight so that I can go... (drum roll, please)
on a date! You can view today's post in its entirety tomorrow. Until then...

I'm off to "Meet Virginia".

The Dating Game

"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman

Do you remember the game show "The Dating Game"? It was a Chuck Barris production that was popular in the late 1960's and early 1970's. (It made brief comebacks in the 1980's & 1990's, but never reobtained its earlier success.) For those of you not familiar with it, it went something like this...

Typically, a bachelorette would question three bachelors, who were hidden from her view. The same question could be asked to multiple bachelors. This continued until time ran out. At the end of the questioning period, the bachelorette would choose one bachelor, based solely on the answers to the questions, to go out with on a date paid for by the show. Certain kinds of questions were "off-limits", such as name, age, occupation, and income.

Online dating, it turns out, is a lot like "The Dating Game". Instead of the bachelors being hidden from view, I do get a picture most of the time; but the only person who knows if that picture is accurate is the person who put it up  - and he's not telling. Names are generally psuedonyms, such as: lowcount, Phastpat, Ispeakpiglatin, poppinoffalot, bigbombon, fuknslayr, acrzyduck2, bignig41 (who was, by the way, white), Secretsquirrel, potentialgetawaydriver, and crambone. The user names are supposed to somehow describe something about the individual and entice you into reading their profile. Age and occupation? Again, I'm dependent on the person who is posting the profile to provide factual information. The website I used asks for income, but does not post it as a part of the individual's profile.

As responses to my online profile came pouring in, I diligently tried to respond to each of them. I wanted to try to get a feel for the individual before deciding whether to continue communications with him, or whether to thank him and move on. I realize that the art of written communication has changed over the years, but I didn't know it was completely dead. I grew increasingly discouraged as many of my exchanges became much like the question and answer portion of a game show... (And, yes, the following responses that are in quotes were taken from actual emails that I received!)

Me: Bachelor #1, you didn't include a picture or any information on your profile. Why is that?

Bachelor #1: I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.

Me: And that has exactly what to do with you not listing any interests or having a picture?

Bachelor #1: "Give me your phone number and I'll text to you."

Me: No. I'm not giving my phone number out to anyone at this point. I would like to get to know you a little first.

Bachelor #1: "you must have alot to hide!when you can't even tell a person your phone number!the way i see it is that you must be a real looser!my life is an open book!you must be really insecure!" [sic]

Me: Bachelor #2, you stated in your email that you thought we have a lot in common. Your profile says that you like Nascar, hunting, fishing, and watching professional sports on TV. My profile specifically states that I don't like those things. What is it that you think we have in common?

Bachelor #2: "i like sexy woman and your sexy woman." [sic] "are you a Dominant woman" [sic]

Me: Bachelor #2, are you a sub looking for a Dom?

Bachelor #2: "oh yes Mam!!! ive been looking for long time and i would make very good sub." [sic]

Me: Bachelor #3, what was the #1 hit song when you were born?

Bachelor #3: Uhm, I think it was something by the B-57's.

Me: You mean the B-52's?

Bachelor #3: Yeah, that's them. My mom likes that "Tin Roof" song. She's really into the oldies.

Me: Bachelor #3, I am 24 years older than you. If we were to go out on a date, where would you take me?

Bachelor #3: I thought we could like....uhhhh....hang out...and play video games....and stuff. I've always wanted to date an older woman.

(Music cue signally time is up)

Me: Jim, I pick Bachelor number....none of the above!

(Cue closing theme)

Too bad online dating doesn't offer any consolation prizes. I could use a nice ceramic dog!

The Adventures Begin!

I did it! 

After years of thinking about it, and several weeks of procrastinating about it, I have finally completed and posted an online dating profile. I knew that the time had come when my two favorite excuses were no longer valid. Well that... and I needed blog material!

I didn't plan for joining an online dating site to be my jumping off point when I first started talking about blogging my mid-life dating adventures. To tell you the truth, I didn't know where my blog was going to start because I didn't actually have any mid-life dating adventures. The only date I'd had in the past 4 years was in January - and he never called back. So the idea about blogging about dating meant that I would have to, yes.... hold onto your hats... start dating again! Either that or I was going to bore a lot (a few?) people with posts about snuggling with Thomas McKitty and watching DVD's. Not my idea of an entertaining read!

I had made a couple of halfhearted attempts at dating during the 7 years since my divorce, but they had been unsuccessful and I hadn't been very motivated to do anything about it. I guess I just wasn't ready to date. But this time was different! I wasn't looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with; I wanted to go out on a date... or a few dates... and online dating seemed like the fastest way to meet single men. They certainly weren't lined up anywhere else with little name tags that said, "Hi, my name's tonsoffun2010".

My first excuse for avoiding dating websites had always been the cost. It's not that I'm cheap (although some of my friends may disagree with that statement), but I do live on a modest budget. I just couldn't justify spending money to join some of the more well known sites when the results are so questionable. That excuse was eliminated when a high school friend told me about the totally free site that she had met her current husband on. My second excuse - no recent picture - was resolved a couple of weeks ago when another friend was kind enough to spend an afternoon taking pictures of me so that I could have "before" and "after" photos for Facebook. It was time for me to step off my beaten path and jump feet first into something new.

So I sat down Sunday afternoon to fill out the profile and complete the "chemistry test" that promises to match me with "personalities that lead to long lasting stable relationships" in the name of good-natured experimentation. Sure I was curious to "discover relationship needs" and where I "screwed up in past relationships", but more importantly I was interested in seeing what kind of results I would get. As I clicked "Find Your Soulmate" - but I just want a date! - I vowed that whatever happened I would be open-minded. 

And share everything on this blog!