The Dating Game

"I've been on so many blind dates I should get a free dog." - Wendy Liebman

Do you remember the game show "The Dating Game"? It was a Chuck Barris production that was popular in the late 1960's and early 1970's. (It made brief comebacks in the 1980's & 1990's, but never reobtained its earlier success.) For those of you not familiar with it, it went something like this...

Typically, a bachelorette would question three bachelors, who were hidden from her view. The same question could be asked to multiple bachelors. This continued until time ran out. At the end of the questioning period, the bachelorette would choose one bachelor, based solely on the answers to the questions, to go out with on a date paid for by the show. Certain kinds of questions were "off-limits", such as name, age, occupation, and income.

Online dating, it turns out, is a lot like "The Dating Game". Instead of the bachelors being hidden from view, I do get a picture most of the time; but the only person who knows if that picture is accurate is the person who put it up  - and he's not telling. Names are generally psuedonyms, such as: lowcount, Phastpat, Ispeakpiglatin, poppinoffalot, bigbombon, fuknslayr, acrzyduck2, bignig41 (who was, by the way, white), Secretsquirrel, potentialgetawaydriver, and crambone. The user names are supposed to somehow describe something about the individual and entice you into reading their profile. Age and occupation? Again, I'm dependent on the person who is posting the profile to provide factual information. The website I used asks for income, but does not post it as a part of the individual's profile.

As responses to my online profile came pouring in, I diligently tried to respond to each of them. I wanted to try to get a feel for the individual before deciding whether to continue communications with him, or whether to thank him and move on. I realize that the art of written communication has changed over the years, but I didn't know it was completely dead. I grew increasingly discouraged as many of my exchanges became much like the question and answer portion of a game show... (And, yes, the following responses that are in quotes were taken from actual emails that I received!)

Me: Bachelor #1, you didn't include a picture or any information on your profile. Why is that?

Bachelor #1: I just moved here a couple of weeks ago.

Me: And that has exactly what to do with you not listing any interests or having a picture?

Bachelor #1: "Give me your phone number and I'll text to you."

Me: No. I'm not giving my phone number out to anyone at this point. I would like to get to know you a little first.

Bachelor #1: "you must have alot to hide!when you can't even tell a person your phone number!the way i see it is that you must be a real looser!my life is an open book!you must be really insecure!" [sic]

Me: Bachelor #2, you stated in your email that you thought we have a lot in common. Your profile says that you like Nascar, hunting, fishing, and watching professional sports on TV. My profile specifically states that I don't like those things. What is it that you think we have in common?

Bachelor #2: "i like sexy woman and your sexy woman." [sic] "are you a Dominant woman" [sic]

Me: Bachelor #2, are you a sub looking for a Dom?

Bachelor #2: "oh yes Mam!!! ive been looking for long time and i would make very good sub." [sic]

Me: Bachelor #3, what was the #1 hit song when you were born?

Bachelor #3: Uhm, I think it was something by the B-57's.

Me: You mean the B-52's?

Bachelor #3: Yeah, that's them. My mom likes that "Tin Roof" song. She's really into the oldies.

Me: Bachelor #3, I am 24 years older than you. If we were to go out on a date, where would you take me?

Bachelor #3: I thought we could like....uhhhh....hang out...and play video games....and stuff. I've always wanted to date an older woman.

(Music cue signally time is up)

Me: Jim, I pick Bachelor number....none of the above!

(Cue closing theme)

Too bad online dating doesn't offer any consolation prizes. I could use a nice ceramic dog!