Is This Mike On?

"I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name...' "

— Mike Binder, Comedian

The New Parent's Guide lists David as the number one most popular name for boy's in the 1960's. Michael was the second most popular, and John made the list at number three. http://www.thenewparentsguide.com/most-popular-baby-names-1960.htm

With that many David's running around in my dating age range, it seems inevitable that I would have gone out with one at some point. I have. In fact, I have either dated or been on a date with a total of three David's in my lifetime. The first was in my early teens, and the last was one of my recent dating website "finds". I have never been out with a John. (I could make a hooker joke here, but I think I'll refrain. This time.) Therefore, based on my David and John numbers, it would seem logical that I would have in some way been involved with one or two Mike's along the way. Logical, yes, but definitely not the case! For some reason I seem to attract men named Mike like I'm wearing some sort of bizarre fly paper. I can readily account for a dozen different Mike's that I have dated, married, or gone out with since I first became of aware of boys as anything more than grubby little creatures who dared each other to eat worms.

There were a total of five Mike's between grades 8 and 11.  Both of my husbands were Mike's. And then there were the four other Mike's in between marriages. (Are you singing "I'm Henry the Eighth, I Am" yet?) I even named my first son Michael - but he's not included on my score card!

I thought I had finally broken the Mike curse after I split from my last husband, Mike. Apparenty it had more to do with the fact that I wasn't going out with anyone at all than me finding a 12-step program for my weird addiction. (Hi. My name's Valerie, and I'm a Mike-aholic.)

Then about a year ago Mike #12 contacted me via the internet. He was someone that I had known for a number of years, but hadn't seen in even more. Mike seemed interested in more than renewing an old friendship and, despite my initial reservations, I was soon drawn in by his charm and began to look forward to his phone calls and emails. After several months of long distance communications, I agreed to drive out of town to see him. I  confided to a cousin that I had been talking with a guy, she casually asked what his name was. When I rather sheepishly confessed that it was Mike, her immediate response was, "Oh gawd, nooooo! Not another one!" When my roommate found out that I was planning a weekend with a Mike, The Scrinch immediately nicknamed the poor guy "Next Mike Not". In spite of everyone's misgivings, I went to see Next Mike Not. I had a great time. I came home feeling good about our visit together, and was happy about the direction that this seemed to be going. He never called back.

Fast forward to today...

I have accepted an invitation for a date with yet another Mike. This will be Mike #13. Unlucky? Perhaps, but I don't see where things can go any worse with this Mike than they have with any of the other one's. And he does go by Michael, so maybe that will change things up a bit. Just to be on the safe side, though, I have taken the precaution of dubbing him "Another Mike Not". If nothing else, I get to beat The Scrinch to the punch.

In The Land of Millionares and Bums

It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey that matters in the end. 

- Ursula K. Leguin

I started this blog post poolside in Hilton Head where I spent a luxurious, long weekend. (It's great having rich, generous friends!) I had planned to post it Sunday while I was there but, thanks in part to an endless supply of pomegranate martinis, that never happened. So, I've changed everything to reflect past tense and am posting it now...

When I received the invitation to spend a few days at an absolutely amazing, almost beachfront house (it even had it's own elevator) I started making plans. One of the many good things I learned from my ex was to "hope for the best; plan for the worst". And that's exactly what I did!

Plan A was the easy one. It was simply to have a great time. (I did!) But in typical female fashion, I was not content to just have my cake - I want to eat the whole damn thing AND not gain a pound in the process! Thus the catalyst for the next three plans.

Plan B included inviting a male friend to join me for a couple of days of adult fun. Unfortunately (for him), he was unable to make it. He is a very busy person though so, frankly, I would have been more surprised if he had been able to come. I was, however, a bit disappointed in him that he waited until two days before we were scheduled to be there to let me know that he wouldn't be joining me. His questionable explanation left me wondering if he had found out about my blog, and didn't want to be next week's topic of discussion. (He must have missed the part where I said that my postings were not going to be a kiss-and-tell.) Good thing I had already made backup plans!

Plan C was also a bust. I intended to get together with a man whom I had met on the dating website, who lives near Hilton Head, for drinks. He and I had exchanged several emails that included the obligatory "if you're ever in the area...". Since I was going to be in the area, I thought I would use the occasion to look him up. However, much to my dismay, I discovered that I had deleted all of his emails and couldn't find his user profile. So much for that idea.

Plan D - a.k.a. My Last Resort. When I first went to my boss to request time off from work he got very concerned that I had met a rich man, and would soon be quitting work to live a much improved lifestyle. After Danny realized that was not the case (heavy sigh), he suggested that I use the opportunity to go man hunting in what he called "the land of millionaires and bums". My host and his girlfriend, upon learning about my dating project, offered to help me out with this one. The strategy called for a visit to a local watering hole called Callahan's to watch football and check out the local manscape while Linda and Pat played "wing man" and "pimp". Alas, that plan fell through, too. (Did I mention the pomegranate martinis?)

I am now back in Charleston - relaxed, but empty handed. To be honest, I really don't care that I didn't meet any men while on vacation. I thoroughly enjoyed lounging in and by the pool, walking on the beach, hitting the steam room and jacuzzi, going shopping, and eating way too much delicious food. I may have been flying solo, but I had a wonderful time catching up with family that I don't get to see often enough, and I made a terrific new friend! And when you get right down to it, isn't that what life is really about?

If I Were You, I'd Have Sex With Me

Men often find it difficult to look a woman in the eyes.

This is because women's eyes are not located in their chests. - Anonymous

I have to confess... online dating is scary.

Years ago, when people met in the traditional face-to-face way, it was easier to discern the "creep factor" of the man who was asking you out. We used things like body language, personal appearance, and presentation to help us decide if this was someone we wanted to be alone with; even then we didn't always get it right. Meeting men online can be challenging! It doesn't allow the luxury of facial expressions or inflection to help clue you in on the kind of person you're talking to. Maybe it's due in part to the anonymity of the internet, or maybe it's just the kind of people who use online dating sites, but the ratio of nice guys to the questionable-at-best seems to be weighted heavily towards the crass. 

So how do you tell the difference between a toad and a potential prince? Here is a list of the top ten most smarmy "pickup" emails I've received:

1. "you need to be at my house"
2. "My mother warned me about good girls. Are you a good girl or a bad girl?"
3. "wow..you look so delicious....hey babydoll"
4. "Has anyone claimed you yet? Can I?"
5. "My phone hadnt rang all day call me so I can see if its working"
6. "Would I be pushing the envelope if I admitted to a little lust for you?"
7. "are you wearing a short skirt today?"
8. "if you would make me your slave -i will do your laundry and kneel and please you"
9. "hello very beautiful lady to be honest your a delicous looking lady ... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so delicious ..."
10. "if we ever date you wear the pair that lQQk like the ho shoes the most.....;) that's cool of you !!"

The emails from nice guys are not boastful or littered with overtly suggestive pickup lines, and they don't leave you feeling like you need a shower. But in the event that a nice guy feels the need to use a pickup line as an opener, may I suggest one of the following:

1. I may short, but I'm much taller when I stand on my wallet.
2. I like to shop.
3. I don't ordinarily meet intelligent and beautiful women, but you're an exception.
4. You know, you're right!

I ask you, what woman can resist a man who recognizes that she is right?

Men Are From Mars.... and Venus?

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Kathern Hepburn

When did men become so whiny and needy? And when did they all start wanting long-term relationships? I apparently have been living with the misguided notion that most men did not want any kind of relationship involving commitment. The middle-aged men I usually meet have either (a) gotten burnt in their marriage and/or divorce and are very leery of relationships, or (b) are so thrilled to be free of the old ball and chain that they won't even consider the possibility of settling down with one person again. Most single middle-aged women that I know at least secretly dream of the stability of that special someone in their life. So, when I signed up for an  online dating site, I thought that I would be a breath of fresh air - a woman who DOESN'T want a relationship! After 7 years of being alone I wasn't ready to jump right into the "C" word - commitment. I just wanted to get out, meet some people, and see what I've been missing. Apparently what I've been missing is that middle-aged men have taken "getting in touch with your feminine side" to a whole new level.

My first clue that something was amiss should have been when I started receiving email from men asking me if I would consider having a long-term relationship with them. Should have been...but wasn't! I didn't realize that dating rules had reversed gender until I met Dave7359.

Dave7359 is a 51 year-old, retired naval officer with a master's degree. He is your average looking, partially balding, slightly paunchy, middle-aged man. We had been exchanging email for most of a week when he invited me to attend a "Train" concert. He confessed that he had been going to take someone else but, for whatever reason, that person wasn't going now. I didn't care - he had primo seats! We met two nights later at the scheduled time and place, grabbed a couple of beers, and went to find our seats. We chatted easily and got to know each other as we waited for the show to start. He gave me bitter accounts of past failed relationships, recounting that first this one used him and then that one hadn't really loved him. And then he dropped the bombshell - he told me that he wanted to spend many more nights like this with me. (WHOA, Dude!!! I've only known you an hour!) I quickly put him straight...or at least I thought I had... until the texts and email started...

The first text arrived before I even got home from the concert. And then another first thing the next morning - "...you're even prettier than your pictures." When Dave7369 heard not heard from me in less than 24 hours of our initial meeting, he sent me a text assuming that I did not "sense potential" and wasn't interested in him. The next day was more of the same - "Be honest. I can easily accept you not being interested." - followed shortly by, "I'd just like to hear from you so that I know you're alright." OMG! Are you kidding me?!?! What woman hasn't used that one at some point? Let me translate for you - "I wish you would call me because if I can get you on the phone there's still a chance I can convince you that I'm the one."

I wish I could say that this was an isolated case, but then what would I write about?

My second date, The_Ice_King, didn't have us living happily after by the end of dinner, but he did grill me endlessly about my contacts from the dating website: Had I been on many dates?; Had very many men contacted me?; Did I see any of them as having "potential"?; etc. After he had exhausted every possible question from that list, he moved on to questions specific to him: Did I like him?; Was I disappointed in the way he looked?; Did he look like his picture?; Was he too old for me?; Did he have what I was looking for in a boyfriend?; Was I only go out with him because he had a Corvair? (Okay, I do have to admit that the really cool car did sway me somewhat; but if he wasn't trying to use it to his advantage, why did he include it in his profile?). When I reminded him that I was not currently interested in finding a boyfriend per se, he looked at me as if I had two heads and was speaking Swahili.

I was beginning to have flashbacks of similar past conversations in which I was the one on the other side of the table, and I was starting to feel the same uncomfortable way those guys had looked then! It must have been obvious what I was thinking (damn my tell-tale face) because when I mumbled something about the bathroom, he asked if I was going to slip out the backdoor. As appealing as that option seemed, I'm basically a nice person and couldn't bring myself to intentionally do something that rude. I returned to the table and managed to steer the rest of the conversation away from anything even remotely connected to relationships. (So, how 'bout them Braves? hehe)

I was actually in the middle of writing this post when I had a conversation with a male friend in which he mentioned that he missed having a committed relationship. We had a brief discussion about middle-aged dating, and the differences in men and woman at this age. In the end I promised him that I would not be too harsh on men in this blog. So, instead of making any snide comments about men losing their balls in the divorce and turning into emotional girly-men, I will offer my albeit somewhat biased observations on men's claims to wanting a commitment... Some men really do want a relationship, and are emotionally ready for everything that entails. Some men are lying to women because they think it will get them laid. But most of the men are lying to themselves. They think that a girlfriend will bring meaning to their lives, make them happy, and make them feel important again - especially if she's younger and attractive. The truth is these men need to spend a little time finding their own happiness before they are going to be ready to give any woman the commitment that she deserves. I truly hope they find peace in their lives.

In the meantime, I have two dates lined up for this weekend; one on Friday with Bugsy480, and the second on Saturday with newbeginning2010. Both dates have stated in their online profiles that they, too, are looking for long-term relationships. I think if I decide to start considering  a long-term relationship, I'm going to take a closer look at Patrick1965 - he wants to have my baby!