Men Are From Mars.... and Venus?

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Kathern Hepburn

When did men become so whiny and needy? And when did they all start wanting long-term relationships? I apparently have been living with the misguided notion that most men did not want any kind of relationship involving commitment. The middle-aged men I usually meet have either (a) gotten burnt in their marriage and/or divorce and are very leery of relationships, or (b) are so thrilled to be free of the old ball and chain that they won't even consider the possibility of settling down with one person again. Most single middle-aged women that I know at least secretly dream of the stability of that special someone in their life. So, when I signed up for an  online dating site, I thought that I would be a breath of fresh air - a woman who DOESN'T want a relationship! After 7 years of being alone I wasn't ready to jump right into the "C" word - commitment. I just wanted to get out, meet some people, and see what I've been missing. Apparently what I've been missing is that middle-aged men have taken "getting in touch with your feminine side" to a whole new level.

My first clue that something was amiss should have been when I started receiving email from men asking me if I would consider having a long-term relationship with them. Should have been...but wasn't! I didn't realize that dating rules had reversed gender until I met Dave7359.

Dave7359 is a 51 year-old, retired naval officer with a master's degree. He is your average looking, partially balding, slightly paunchy, middle-aged man. We had been exchanging email for most of a week when he invited me to attend a "Train" concert. He confessed that he had been going to take someone else but, for whatever reason, that person wasn't going now. I didn't care - he had primo seats! We met two nights later at the scheduled time and place, grabbed a couple of beers, and went to find our seats. We chatted easily and got to know each other as we waited for the show to start. He gave me bitter accounts of past failed relationships, recounting that first this one used him and then that one hadn't really loved him. And then he dropped the bombshell - he told me that he wanted to spend many more nights like this with me. (WHOA, Dude!!! I've only known you an hour!) I quickly put him straight...or at least I thought I had... until the texts and email started...

The first text arrived before I even got home from the concert. And then another first thing the next morning - "...you're even prettier than your pictures." When Dave7369 heard not heard from me in less than 24 hours of our initial meeting, he sent me a text assuming that I did not "sense potential" and wasn't interested in him. The next day was more of the same - "Be honest. I can easily accept you not being interested." - followed shortly by, "I'd just like to hear from you so that I know you're alright." OMG! Are you kidding me?!?! What woman hasn't used that one at some point? Let me translate for you - "I wish you would call me because if I can get you on the phone there's still a chance I can convince you that I'm the one."

I wish I could say that this was an isolated case, but then what would I write about?

My second date, The_Ice_King, didn't have us living happily after by the end of dinner, but he did grill me endlessly about my contacts from the dating website: Had I been on many dates?; Had very many men contacted me?; Did I see any of them as having "potential"?; etc. After he had exhausted every possible question from that list, he moved on to questions specific to him: Did I like him?; Was I disappointed in the way he looked?; Did he look like his picture?; Was he too old for me?; Did he have what I was looking for in a boyfriend?; Was I only go out with him because he had a Corvair? (Okay, I do have to admit that the really cool car did sway me somewhat; but if he wasn't trying to use it to his advantage, why did he include it in his profile?). When I reminded him that I was not currently interested in finding a boyfriend per se, he looked at me as if I had two heads and was speaking Swahili.

I was beginning to have flashbacks of similar past conversations in which I was the one on the other side of the table, and I was starting to feel the same uncomfortable way those guys had looked then! It must have been obvious what I was thinking (damn my tell-tale face) because when I mumbled something about the bathroom, he asked if I was going to slip out the backdoor. As appealing as that option seemed, I'm basically a nice person and couldn't bring myself to intentionally do something that rude. I returned to the table and managed to steer the rest of the conversation away from anything even remotely connected to relationships. (So, how 'bout them Braves? hehe)

I was actually in the middle of writing this post when I had a conversation with a male friend in which he mentioned that he missed having a committed relationship. We had a brief discussion about middle-aged dating, and the differences in men and woman at this age. In the end I promised him that I would not be too harsh on men in this blog. So, instead of making any snide comments about men losing their balls in the divorce and turning into emotional girly-men, I will offer my albeit somewhat biased observations on men's claims to wanting a commitment... Some men really do want a relationship, and are emotionally ready for everything that entails. Some men are lying to women because they think it will get them laid. But most of the men are lying to themselves. They think that a girlfriend will bring meaning to their lives, make them happy, and make them feel important again - especially if she's younger and attractive. The truth is these men need to spend a little time finding their own happiness before they are going to be ready to give any woman the commitment that she deserves. I truly hope they find peace in their lives.

In the meantime, I have two dates lined up for this weekend; one on Friday with Bugsy480, and the second on Saturday with newbeginning2010. Both dates have stated in their online profiles that they, too, are looking for long-term relationships. I think if I decide to start considering  a long-term relationship, I'm going to take a closer look at Patrick1965 - he wants to have my baby!