“If you want to catch a trout, don't fish in a herring barrel” - Ann Landers
I've always heard that "there's plenty of fish in the sea." This sage advice is usually meant to console someone who is having romance problems. After 7 years of being single I was inclined to disagree - the ponds I had been fishing in were either dismally empty, or full of fish who had already been tagged. So when I decided to cast my line into the online ocean by joining a dating website, I had no idea what to expect. Was I using the right lure? Would I get any bites? What if they were all dogfish? I decided that no matter what happened, I would be open-minded. And patient. After all, the most important part of fishing is just being patient and waiting for the fish to bite. My resolve of patience lasted for all of about 45 minutes before I had to log on and check my nets. To my surprise I already had 7 nibbles - maybe this thing had potential after all! Within one week I had had bites from nearly 80 different fish. I was getting up to 40 emails a day. Although I diligently tried to respond to each of them, it was becoming difficult to keep up. I needed to start throwing some of them back!
A lot of them were easy to cut loose - starting with the three deep sea lizardfish who admitted to being married. They were all looking for some version of a "discreet friendship" without commitment. Call it what you want, but where I come from if it walks like a cheater and talks like a cheater.... The next ones to go were the tadpoles; there were eight of them in all ranging in age from 21 to 27. The three motley over 60-years-old fish also went back. Thirteen more got the axe because they were swimming in waters outside of their natural habitat. (Seriously, San Francisco? You mean to tell me this man can't meet a woman on the west coast?) I did keep four of the out-of-town fish though. My decision keep or delete wasn't based solely on them not being a local catch, but it did way heavily in the process. Phew, only 66 left to go!
And then the daddy of all mudpuppies swallowed my hook - de_slayer73! This mutation a nature crawled out from under a rock looking for a relationship. de_slayer73 was of self-described average looks and body type (average if you're used to catching lumpfish!) lives with his disabled mother, doesn't have a job, and doesn't have any intention of getting a job in the near future because... P.S. He doesn't have a car! (Or as he so equivalently put it, is "transportationally hindered.") The waterdog was quite forthcoming in his profile. He shared that his favorite pastime is "just hanging around" and watching sports on TV "mainly football... or nascar..." His idea of a first date is "open for discussion", but felt the need to share that his past first dates "...have gone from just meeting and talking to as far as sexual intercourse." And if all of that weren't enough, de_slayer73 thought it would be a good idea to include personal contact information - just in case some lucky lady wanted to reel him in. His email address? the_ladson_stalker1@*****.com. I almost threw in the hook, line, and sinker deleting the nasty amphibian!!!
Several slimy eels have surfaced, too, but they were easily recognized and tossed back. The first was a fireman in search of a dominatrix. The second, 1penncobra, revealed that his fantasy was "USING YER BELLY BUTTON AS A SHOT GLASS". Now there may be the occasion when I would actually find this rather erotic, but having it shouted at me...in redneck...uhm, NOT! The third bottom-dweller wanted to know if I would wear "really high stileto high heels when we hookup". And number four, an Asian Swamp Eel, was in the States on a temporary work Visa, and looking for a wife so that he could stay. Gone, Gone, Gone and GONE!
A few sharks came around, but quickly left in search of chum when I wouldn't give them my phone number. Three Jesus-fish were disappointed when I redirected them to the portion of my profile that states that that I am more of a Darwinist, but then they quietly swam away. A couple of darting little brim decided that I must not want to talk to them because I hadn't answered any of the half dozen emails that they had sent me in the past 2 hours - and sent me another email to tell me so. I sent them one short email in return - Good Bye!
It hasn't been two weeks yet since I decided to try my hand at online fishing, and already some of my friends are asking if I think I'll land that trophy fish worthy of taking home and mounting. (Oh, get your mind out of the gutter - it's a taxidermy term.) I keep reminding them that for now I'm on a catch and release program. And for the next several weeks the fishing forecast looks good!
